There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
