So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
