i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
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