Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
