hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
