I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
