I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
