All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
