dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
