Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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