just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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