I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
