I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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