So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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