I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
