Your dad touched me again.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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