I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
