Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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