I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
