now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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