You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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