I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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