My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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