I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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