so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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