i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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