I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
