Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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