Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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