Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
