This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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