Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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