Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
