I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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