U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
