if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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