Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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