I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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