Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
