Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
