help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
