It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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