Someone shit on the floor
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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