i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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