Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
