Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
