I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
