So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
