I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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