You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
