So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
